My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
