In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
