I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
