I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Drunk is not a location!
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