He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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