hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
