Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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