just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
