OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize