I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
