I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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