i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
it's like iHOP with fire
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
