I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
