woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
