remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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