Your mouth is God's brothel.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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