I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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