But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Is it because I queefed?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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