Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
