wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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