you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
