I didn't shave. On purpose
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Randomize
