I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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