no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just pee around me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
