like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
soo... how was my night?
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