you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
