and you said cock pushups were impossible
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
