How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
