i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
