why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
