FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
