Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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