I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
