well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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