At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
