Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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