She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
