So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
