I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
