If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
