remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
