Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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