Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
We are two peas in an std pod
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
