I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
