I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
