they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
