I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
