I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize