Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Two words: nipple clamps
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