I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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