you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
