first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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