My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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