So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm at about main and main street
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
