Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
