Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
