I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
